You never know a mother's true love for a child till you have one.
My father has said that to me numerous times since my mom's passing and I must admit, he's right. Since I had Ava, I can truly feel the love and heartache of what a mom feels. I'm not heartless, just mommy-less. My life is full, yet some times I feel a bit empty.
Now before you start feeling sorry for me or sad, I wanted to make this clear this is by no means to make you feel bad for me. As my friend calls it, "I'm having a bad day. Not having a mental breakdown." This is just me talking about something no one really talks about. Especially to someone who has lost a mother and or close parent.
It sucks. It really sucks. It's never easy to think about how life is without your mom. You walk around the world doing your daily routine, conquering each obstacle coming your way, and when you succeed you turn to your biggest fan, and she's not there. Yes, she's looking down. Yes, she's proud. Yes, I'm living through her but I just miss her. I miss her so much.
I've realized after having Ava how much my mom loved me. If I could go back, I would totally erase all the door slams and the "you ruin my life" moments when I couldn't spend a night at a friend's house. She was right. Every thing the woman has preached, lectured and yelled to me about was right! Why is it that we learn things when we don't have it anymore? It's the littlest things that make a difference.
It's sometimes awkward and painful to see mommy daughter moments (yes I said it, now don't feel awkward if you wanna invite me to a show with your mom because I would love it,) but what I can tell you is that I really treasure every little moment I have with Ava. I even appreciate all the moments when I see my friends spend time or just hug their moms. It just makes me smile. My heart feels warm. Gosh, I miss that feeling. I work in an environment that I see women day and night, and I think because of that, it is okay to be mommy-less. Just seeing their love makes me love that much more. I'm okay with it.
It's okay to ask me if I miss her. I actually would love to hear that more often. You shouldn't feel bad to mention a great love. In fact, I can say people who have lost wonderful people have the greatest stories to share. It shouldn't be a hidden issue. We should embrace and talk about it. Is it hard without my mom? Yes. Do I cry at night missing her after I had a stressful day? Of course. Do I want her back? Hell yea! But now I have Ava and because of her, she brought my mommy back.
